“Blood is thicker than water”

the girls of JUST one aunt's family

At home it’s just me and my brother but I have a huge extended family. By huge I mean my mom is one of ten children, most of whom have 4, 5, 6, even 7 kids themselves. I have almost 40 first cousins, the oldest of whom is older than my youngest uncle. Most of my cousins have married, have kids of their own, some even have grandkids! Being part of a big family definitely takes getting used to. Especially because I haven’t seen anyone in ten years, it is tough trying to remember who is who and how I am related to them. Having a large family can be both a lot of fun and a lot of work.

Family life is very important here, especially in my family. Life is centered around the extended family. For married women, this means their in-laws’ family. When your daughter gets married, people often ask “Who are you giving her to?” – Just like the olden days, dowries and all, still the same traditions. Women are generally expected to follow traditional roles and rituals, cook, clean, give birth to many children, and in most cases, stay at home and look after the extended family (this phrase when translated literally from Nepali to English is “worship the in-laws”).

On a sidenote, I’m currently reading
The Help by Kathryn Stockett
amazing read and applicable to
more than just 1960s America.

My family spent a lot of time outside Nepal when my aunts and uncles were young so they are a lot more open-minded but in very old fashioned traditional Newar households, the father and mother-in-law have the highest status followed by the sons, then daughters, the daughter-in-law (bhawari) is the (unspoken) lowest status in a family, almost on par with the help.

*again only speaking about the extreme cases, usually those that families that are not well educated and/or strictly follow old traditional beliefs. Fortunately, modern, more reasonable, values concerning the roles of men and women in a family have started seeping in.

She must never eat at the same table as the mother-in-law, instead she eats last after serving everyone else. In some families the daughter-in-law cannot sit on chairs when the in laws are in the same room, either she stands or sits on the floor. She must ask permission before being allowed to leave the home, even to go to her own family’s house. When going to family functions, the women that married into the family help serve food and clean instead of being real guests.

A woman puts her family’s needs before her own and must listen to her in-laws no matter what, out of respect. Men are considered to be the bread-winners, generally free to do as they please, usually never lifting a finger at home. Boys are still valued more than girls. I have heard parents wish for more boys even just so they will have more bhawaries (daughter-in-laws) to take care of them.

I once heard a tourist ask her guide, “So, once a girl gets married, she’s kind of …a slave?” It was amusing to see the guide try and explain that it’s out of respect, but yes she must do as she’s told. The tourists laughed and replied that if they had to live with (/under) their in-laws, it would be torture.

I may complain that my life in the states is incredibly hectic, but women here have told me, “You might be busy but at least you’re independent, busy with your own life, but us? We don’t have our own lives; we are busy with our families’ lives.”

No one wants to embarrass their household so a lot of this is unspoken, the women find it easier to just deal with it than to speak up, afraid of what people might think. Maintaining an image is very important here. People will try to cover it up, but from what I have seen and heard, it is true.

I would never be able to live under anyone’s rule so obviously I am not a fan of the status of women here. BUT I know that this post is controversial, so of course there’s the flip side. Living with your extended family can definitely be great as long as people are open-minded and everyone gets along. There is always someone around - no need to leave your children with strangers at daycare or leave your aging parents in a nursing home. Family is close both physically and emotionally. Relatives would do almost anything for each other (and see each other more than twice a year). I have had a blast with my family here so I can understand the appeal of having a big family so close.

In the end it is always about balance, albeit balancing your own life with family life is a bit tricky in a society where family life is valued greatly and traditional roles/beliefs are still in play.